Church Stuff ...(disclaimer)

It's been a few days... I have started many posts and then shelved them... because I am too self-conscious about what I write these days.

Grrrrr....

I really hate that ....and speaking of self-conscious ...been dealing with that all over the place..

'Been reading this book called Bad Girls of the Bible. (E gets a kick out of the title.) The latest chapter iss about the couple in Acts that sold some property but only gave the church so much of the profit. The contribution didn't honor God and they were ....killed on the spot.

At the same time I follow this blog by one of our pastors at MCC and he has recently asked 'do you tithe simply for the honor it gives God or do you tithe because you want to be blessed? '

Ok, so I've given this some thought and I'm comfortable with things......

....But! When church was wrapping up yesterday and the music was starting and the congregation was being encouraged to worship I realized -- and became shamefully aware of -- an old feeling that I have also become comfortable with ...but in a bad way.

For what ever reason... when I am standing, sitting in church -- in worship mode -- I feel watched.

I am worshiping while being aware that someone may be watching me. And I worship with that in the back of my mind. Do I do what I'm supposed to do incase I am being watched? It is not the main thrust of my worship -- but is it a ....factor? Would factor be the right word?

Anyway, I was startled when I realized that my worship and reasons for it... and my tithe and reasons for it... ought to be the same. Of course! Duh! I knew this already --

...but then I thought --

....Could the punishment have been the same if the story of this couple in Acts was about worship? There have been many cases in the Old Testament where worship was conducted NOT according to Gods laws -- and last tiny details -- and the punishment was death.

I know I have grace to save me from a punishment of death...but I am going to try to GET OVER MYSELF and ignore this constant self-consciousness or "what do people think of what I do" stuff.

And so, in addition, I am going to try to post more here and not shelve what I write because I am worried about what you may think.

Of course time and schedules also make it a struggle... but I'm gonna do my best!